The Big Bang Theory: The Slave Leia Debacle
by jfrankliniv
Summary: Suppose Howard and Leonard decided they had had enough of life as scientific geeks. Suppose they decided to undertake some changes - and suppose those changes involved trying to prove their masculinity to Penny, Amy, and Bernadette through a series of stereotypically "macho" activities? What would happen? What incidents would occur? What disasters would befall them?
1. Chapter 1

**THE SLAVE LEIA DEBACLE**

**PROLOGUE**

_(SCENE: The boys' apartment. SHELDON is seated at his laptop. LEONARD enters and slams door.)_

SHELDON: Leonard, as someone with a doctorate in physics, I presume you know what happens when excessive force is applied to a stationary object like a door frame.

LEONARD: Shut up, Sheldon.

SHELDON: (Shakes head) Hmm. By your hostility, I can only conclude it's time for another one of our refresher courses.

LEONARD: (Throws backpack on sofa) Whatever, Sheldon. I'm really not in the mood.

SHELDON: (Turns chair to face him) Is this some sort of emotional distress?

LEONARD: (Pauses) What was your first clue?

SHELDON: Well, for starters, your deliberate neglect of the basic F=MA equation with regards to the door frame. (Pauses) But on a more subtle level, I'm guessing this has something to do with Penny.

LEONARD: (Rolls eyes) Your genius is astounding, Sheldon.

SHELDON: (Beams) Yes, I know. (Pauses) But what happened?

LEONARD: Oh, nothing. Penny just ran into one of her ex-boyfriends down at the Cheesecake Factory and spent the entire afternoon reminiscing with him while I sat there being ignored.

SHELDON: (Pondering) Did you order anything at the Cheesecake Factory?

LEONARD: What difference does that make?

SHELDON: Well, according to Penny, I'm led to understand that the amount of attention a waitress expends on you is directly proportional to the likelihood of receiving a substantial tip. (Pauses) You being a physicist means that your income is obviously limited, which means that Penny's likelihood of expending what you regard as the appropriate amount of attention as her boyfriend is likely minimal, which brings us to an inevitable contradiction.

LEONARD: Which is?

SHELDON: That you are insufficient boyfriend material for someone as financially motivated as Penny.

LEONARD: Sheldon –

SHELDON: What?

LEONARD: (Thinks) Shut up.

_(The door flies open. HOWARD and RAJ enter. HOWARD throws his backpack on the sofa in disgust.)_

HOWARD: I said, I don't want to talk about it!

RAJ: But you must! It's the talk of everyone down at the laboratory!

HOWARD: I said, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!

SHELDON: (To LEONARD) That reminds me. We really do need to get that door fixed.

LEONARD: (Ignoring him) What's going on?

HOWARD: Oh, nothing. It just seems that our Indian colleague here has purchased a "Girls of Cal Tech" calendar that features a heretofore unknown model who happens to be private viewing property of one Howard Wolowitz.

LEONARD: (Pausing) Okay. What exactly does that mean?

RAJ: It means Bernadette is Slave Leia! (Hands calendar to LEONARD)

SHELDON: (Rising from his chair) Really?

LEONARD: (Taking calendar) Fascinating!

HOWARD: (Angry) There's nothing fascinating or interesting about it. Give it here!

LEONARD: (Turning away) Hold on! I don't see any reason why any other Cal Tech student or professor should have restricted viewing rights to this. (_Begins flipping through calendar_)

RAJ: She's Miss October.

HOWARD: (Exasperated) Would you –

LEONARD: Hold on! (Pauses for several seconds.) Whoa.

RAJ: I know!

SHELDON: Hold on. I need to view this for scientific validation.

HOWARD: (Angry) No, you don't.

LEONARD: (Turns away) Well, wait a second! How come this is all over the campus but we're just finding out about it now?

HOWARD: Because (grabs calendar) it wasn't something we were aware of until now!

RAJ: You mean something that you were not aware of.

SHELDON: (Pauses) I'm getting the impression this was something done without your consent or approval.

HOWARD: (Angry) Really? You think?

LEONARD: (Looking at calendar) I really don't see what the big deal is. Bernadette is an attractive woman. So what if she decided to pose for a calendar like this? It's not like it's porn! (_Looks at calendar once again_.)

HOWARD: So what? So what?! My wife is now spank material for half of Cal Tech, to say nothing of what I'm sure will be endless jokes the next time we visit the comic book store!

RAJ: Oh, that reminds me. Stewart and the other guys wanted me to pass along their congratulations. They said she looks hot!

HOWARD: (Aghast) You see?!

SHELDON: Now, wait a moment! (Looks at calendar) I see nothing wrong or inappropriate here. Bernadette is merely dressed in a costume that is very popular among young females seeking to attract male attention – the always-popular Slave Leia costume. It's common in costume shops around Halloween and strikes the proper balance between seductive and slutty.

HOWARD: Really?

SHELDON: Yes. And if the presumed goal is to sell as many of these calendars as possible, one can only conclude that she has done her scientific research to arrive at the most logical approach guaranteed to drive sales!

HOWARD: Which is?

SHELDON: (Shrugs) Appealing to adolescent male fantasies through sci-fi nostalgia and cos-play hotness.

HOWARD: (Sighs) Shut up, Sheldon.

LEONARD: Good luck with that, Howard. I've been telling him that for years.

HOWARD: (Resigned) I just wish she had told me about this!

RAJ: Why? You didn't tell her about your prostitute.

HOWARD: (Angry) You are not helping!

SHELDON: Actually, I think Koothrappali is right. If you were neglectful in coming clean about your past, it seems only appropriate that you should be equally forgiving of any of Bernadette's transactions before she met you.

RAJ: Especially since this picture was taken only last year!

HOWARD: WE KNEW EACH OTHER LAST YEAR!

SHELDON: (To LEONARD) I'm not sure, but I'm detecting some resentment and possibly hostility here.

LEONARD: Again, what was your first clue?

HOWARD: (Ignoring them) And the worst part of all this is that she didn't even tell me about any of this!

SHELDON: Well, now hold on. Are you angry that your wife posed for the contemporary equivalent of a pinup calendar, or that she failed to mention to you that her photograph is now going to be considered currency among local prison populations?

HOWARD: What?! (Pauses) Shut up, Sheldon!

SHELDON: Once again, my foresight only results in my ridicule.

HOWARD: (Sits down and places head in hands) I only wish that for once I didn't have to worry about my wife being more popular or successful than her husband!

LEONARD: I know how you feel.

HOWARD: (Confused) Come again?

LEONARD: You know. Being intimidated by your woman's success and activities. I understand.

HOWARD: You're intimidated by your woman working in a restaurant?

LEONARD: (Pausing) Which can lead to circumstances that are rather intimidating!

HOWARD: (Looks to SHELDON)

SHELDON: His inferiority complex is in overdrive. He ran into one of Penny's many ex's today.

LEONARD: I'm not in overdrive or jealous.

SHELDON: Considering that by your own admission Penny's ex's usually tend to be of the more muscular variety, perhaps you should be.

LEONARD: (Thinks) Shut up, Sheldon.

SHELDON: (Shrugs) Once again, the scientist is neglected despite the truth in his observations.

HOWARD: I just wish my wife wasn't plastered all over the physics department and the scientific research lab –

RAJ: Don't forget the chemistry and biology departments!

HOWARD: What?!

RAJ: They're also hanging up the picture. In fact –

LEONARD: (Grabbing him) In fact, we probably don't need to worry about them! Why don't we just find, you know, something else to occupy our time?

HOWARD: (Confused) You mean like waiting for some other shoe to drop regarding our women's past lives?

LEONARD: No, I mean like, you know, finding our proper place in our relationships.

HOWARD: (Confused) What are you saying?

SHELDON: (Cutting in) Yes, actually I'm rather put off by the segue there as well.

LEONARD: Well, here's the thing. Howard's wife posed for a pinup picture without telling him. Penny still talks with her ex's like I'm not even there. Clearly, neither one of us is considered sufficiently masculine in their eyes to avoid insulting us like this!

SHELDON: (Pauses) I'm confused. So, you're saying that the solution for Bernadette's picture and Penny's neglect is to begin taking testosterone supplements?

RAJ: (Cutting in) Don't bother. I can tell you from personal experience those don't work.

LEONARD: No. (Pauses) I'm simply saying that maybe Howard and I should, you know, maybe think of some ways to be a bit more, you know…macho!

SHELDON: (Shaking his head) "Macho" is not a word that one normally associates with physicists.

RAJ: Or boyfriends of girls who date physicists

LEONARD: I know. But maybe…it's time we…challenged…that stereotype.

SHELDON: What are you suggesting?

HOWARD: (Confused) Yes, what exactly are you suggesting?

LEONARD: I think tomorrow we should start making some changes. If force equals mass times acceleration, maybe we need to accelerate adding more mass!

HOWARD: Sounds good. (Pauses) Oh, but can it wait until Thursday? My mom is supposed to drive me to the comic book store tomorrow since my scooter is in the shop.

_(Cut to: Commercial)_

6


	2. Chapter 2: The Slave Leia Debacle Act I

**THE SLAVE LEIA DEBACLE**

**ACT I**

_(SCENE: A weightlifting gym at Cal Tech. Several large, muscular men are at various stations pumping iron and hefting dumbbells. A large screen television is evident in the background. The camera sweeps past and stops on RAJ, HOWARD, and LEONARD. RAJ has an Aqua-Man t-shirt, LEONARD is wearing a t-shirt with the Milky Way galaxy, and HOWARD is wearing one that says, "Knowledge is Power. Power Corrupts. Study and Be Evil")_

HOWARD: Are we sure we want to do this? This looks like the kind of place where the people who used to stuff us into trash cans in high school went after graduation – IF they graduated. (Looks at KOOTHRAPPALI) And did you have to wear that Aqua-Man t-shirt?

RAJ: I couldn't help it. All my other shirts are clean, so I wore this one to get it dirty. I hate it. Aqua-Man sucks.

HOWARD: (Turns to LEONARD) Well, now that you've talked us into coming here, what do we do?

LEONARD: I don't know. I've never done this before, either.

HOWARD: Didn't they ever have weightlifting when you took gym in high school?

LEONARD: Yeah, but I got out of it because of my asthma.

HOWARD: (Turns to RAJ) How about you, Raj?

RAJ: Who, me? We didn't have to have muscles in India. That's what my family had servants for!

HOWARD: (Frustrated) So, what we're saying, is that we came down here, and none of us know the slightest thing about starting a weightlifting program? (_RAJ and LEONARD nod. HOWARD turns to LEONARD._) Okay, bright boy. This was your idea, so you lead the way before we draw too much attention to ourselves here.

_(A weightlifter passes by and notices KOOTHRAPPALI's shirt. Snickers.)_

WEIGHTLIFTER: Nice shirt!

HOWARD: And our second priority after today will be to get Raj some new workout attire before we get stuffed into newer trash cans!

LEONARD: (Resigned) Okay, okay, let's just pick something and develop some kind of setup ritual. (_They move to a free weight station where a large man is benching an impressively-sized barbell. He heaves it up and locks it back on the rack and sits up.)_

WEIGHTLIFTER: Whew. That oughtta do it for today. (Leaves)

RAJ: (Looking at bench where the lifter's sweat has pooled on the benh.) That looks unhealthy.

HOWARD: Aren't they supposed to wipe those down after using?

LEONARD: Yeah, you would think so.

HOWARD: Want to draw straws to see who gets to go and tell him?

LEONARD: Not me!

RAJ: Not me!

HOWARD: But we still need to wipe that down! We can't just lie in that!

LEONARD: You're right. We need to find something to wipe it down with. (They look around but see no free towels.)

HOWARD: I don't see anything.

LEONARD: Me neither. I guess that means we're going to have to improvise somehow. (Pauses) (_He and HOWARD look at RAJ_.)

RAJ: (Uncertain) What?

HOWARD: C'mon. Your shirt. We need to wipe that down.

RAJ: What? I'm not wiping that down with my shirt!

LEONARD: C'mon! You just said a moment ago how much you hated it.

RAJ: I do! But that doesn't mean I want to disgrace one of the original Super Friends!

LEONARD: May I remind you that the "hero" in question is AQUA-MAN?!

HOWARD: Yeah, the only one who was almost as lame was Apache Chief. So, if you say a Native American phrase, you grow to be 40 feet tall and can rescue kittens in tall trees. Big deal. (They look at RAJ.)

RAJ: (Resigned) Okay, fine. But you guys are buying me a new shirt!

HOWARD and LEONARD: Deal.

_(RAJ removes shirt and wipes down bench.)_

RAJ: Okay, who gets to go first? (_They exchange glances.)_

HOWARD: I guess I'll go. Howard's first in the alphabet anyway. (_Stretches out on bench._)

LEONARD: Okay, but I think we should take some of these plates off first.

HOWARD: How much do they weigh?

LEONARD: (Reads from plate) This one says fifty.

RAJ: Same here.

LEONARD: Well, that makes sense. They have to be balanced. Okay, we'll slide these off and leave one on each side. (He and RAJ remove plates, grunting and heaving as they do so until only one plate remains on each end.)

RAJ: Okay, now what do we do?

LEONARD: I saw this in the movies once. A guy stands behind the bar and is there to help in case the guy lifting can't raise it up any more. (Looks down at HOWARD.) We should probably both do it. (_They move to take position._) Ready, Howard?

HOWARD: (Takes deep breath before locking arms on barbell.) Okay, let's do it!

_(RAJ and LEONARD raise barbell and hold it above HOWARD for a moment. They release. HOWARD quivers slightly but manages to keep the bar raised._)

RAJ: Very good! You've kept it high!

LEONARD: He's supposed to lower it and then raise it back up.

RAJ: What? That's going to be so much more difficult.

LEONARD: That's the idea.

RAJ: Oh. (Notes television screen behind them.) Hey, isn't that Michael Green being interviewed?

LEONARD: (Turning away) Yeah, I think it is! Y'know, Sheldon and some of the other theoretical physicists have been saying he might be the next Stephen Hawking!

_(HOWARD slowly begins lowering the bar.)_

HOWARD: Uh, fellas?

RAJ: It's because of his belief in string theory, isn't it?

LEONARD: Yes. As a matter of fact, he was one of the pioneers behind it.

HOWARD: (Gasping as bar continues to inch closer to his chest) Uh, fellas?

LEONARD: In fact, he replaced Hawking at Cambridge back in 2009 and is now the Lucasian professor of mathematics there.

RAJ: You know, I still go back and forth on string theory.

LEONARD: Me too, but Sheldon's convinced about it.

HOWARD: (_Bar drops across his upper chest region. He promptly begins flailing on bench, gasping for breath but cannot cry out_.)

LEONARD: I mean, don't get me wrong, it has a lot of apparent validity to it.

RAJ: Especially how it explains particle interaction.

LEONARD: Right, but it's still just so complicated. I mean, that's probably why it's so difficult to grasp in a 30-second news highlight. I mean, the complexities take years to develop and hours to explain.

(_HOWARD continues flailing and gasping._)

RAJ: Still, it could help understand electromagnetism and the way atomic nuclei hold together.

LEONARD: That's true. I read in a journal article it could also explain gravity and radiation as well.

RAJ: But nobody's ever been able to definitively prove a unified theory.

LEONARD: Agreed. But he seems to be coming the closest.

(_HOWARD collapses. His arms drop to his sides and his legs slide out. He looks like a squished bug.)_

LEONARD: What do you think, Howard?

RAJ: Yes, what's your opinion?

LEONARD: (Back still turned) Howard? C'mon. What's your theory?

RAJ: Yes. Help us break the logjam here.

LEONARD: (Turns) Howard?

RAJ: (Turns as well) Howard?

LEONARD: Oh, my GOD! Get the bar! (_He and RAJ quickly lift and struggle to restack the bar on the stand. They then raise HOWARD to a sitting position._) Are you okay?

HOWARD: (Heaving) When – when – when – I – get – get – my – str – str – strength back, I'm going to k- k- kill both of you!

LEONARD: Okay, um, well, let's not worry about that, now. Why don't we try something safer?

RAJ: Like what?

LEONARD: (Looks around) Well, there's that Nautilus machine over there. Let's try that!

_(The group moves over to the machine where another lifter is finishing his workout. He rises and leaves without wiping the bench.) _

LEONARD: I'm beginning to see a pattern of behavior here. (He turns to RAJ)

RAJ: What? Oh, no. Not again.

LEONARD: Come on! Your shirt's already soiled!

RAJ: No. One soiling is enough, thank you.

LEONARD: (Looks around and spies a lat-weight pull-down machine.) How about that one? You pull the bar down instead of up, so there's no chance of it coming down and crushing you!

RAJ: That sounds fine with me.

LEONARD: Great. You want to go first since you had to give up your shirt already?

RAJ: Okay. How does it work?

LEONARD: (Helps HOWARD over. He is still out of breath and grasping his chest.) I think you set this pin here underneath the amount of weights in the stack you want to work with. Then, you pull them down and raise them so you work a different set of muscles!

RAJ: Okay. How many plates, then?

LEONARD: Well, they don't appear to be labeled, but they're much smaller than the barbell plates, so why don't we just start with 15 or so?

RAJ: Okay, that sounds like an even number.

LEONARD: (Turns to HOWARD) Howard, can you help me? (_HOWARD is still out of breath but nods._)

RAJ: Why does he need to help?

LEONARD: Well, I'm guessing this is just like the other place where you need a spotter.

RAJ: Oh. Okay.

(_LEONARD positions pin into weight stack and with HOWARD's help they lower the bar to RAJ, who is seated on the floor but facing the wrong way, i.e., facing out vs. facing the weight machine.) _

LEONARD: Okay, so we're just going to give this bar to you. You slowly allow it raise, and then you pull it back down while staying seated. Got it?

RAJ: (Confident) Okay! Let's do it!

LEONARD: Ready, Howard? (HOWARD nods.) One – two – three!

_(They release the bar. It promptly rockets upward, bringing RAJ with it. The bar catches LEONARD and HOWARD in the chin and knocking them out while RAJ's head collides with the pulley extension of the machine, knocking him out as well. Two weightlifters appear and look down at the three unconscious forms in front of them.)_

WEIGHTLIFTER 1: Uh-oh. Here we go again.

WEIGHTLIFTER 2: What?

WEIGHTLIFTER 1: Told ya. New guys always over do it.

WEIGHTLIFTER 2: How do you know they were new?

WEIGHTLIFTER 1: 'C'mon, man. An Aqua-Man t-shirt?

WEIGHTLIFTER 2: Oh, man. (Pauses) Okay, you check his wallet and I'll go get the nurse.

_(Dissolve to: PENNY, AMY, and BERNADETTE having wine at PENNY'S apartment. BERNADETTE looks depressed while AMY is staring wide-eyed at the calendar.)_

BERNADETTE: All I can say is, if I'd known how much it was going to upset Howie, I never would have dressed up like Slave Leia!

PENNY: (Shakes head) Uh-uh. You have nothing to be ashamed of, girlfriend. That picture makes you look hot!

BERNADETTE: I know. But it makes me feel like two different women!

PENNY: (Swallowing wine) How so?

BERNADETTE: Well, there's the good girl who went to Catholic school who grew up to be a respectable scientist who wants to be treated professionally with respect. But then there's the other me that went to Catholic school and wants to be freaky all the time because of all the repression!

PENNY: Hmm. That's a good point. Amy, what do you think?

(_AMY continues to stare at calendar picture.)_

PENNY: Amy?

AMY: How do you get your legs to look like that? Mine still look like cottage cheese wrapped in cellophane!

PENNY: Amy? We're talking about Bernadette here?

AMY: What? Oh, sorry. (Looks at calendar again) What was the question?

PENNY: Does Bernadette have anything to be ashamed of?

AMY: Ashamed?! ASHAMED?! If my thighs looked like this, I'd wear this costume 24/7!

BERNADETTE: Actually, I think the costume was just for the photo shoot!

PENNY: Now, hold on a second. What about all the gals on campus who are going to look at you differently now because of this? You know, the ones who will scream that you're objectifying yourself, degrading all women by doing this, y'know, that sort of thing?

AMY: That's because they don't have gams that look this good!

BERNADETTE: (Swallowing more wine) But I didn't do it for all women! I did it because I wanted to have fun and because I wanted to give money to charity!

PENNY: What was the charity?

BERNADETTE: That's the thing I couldn't figure out. They gave me a name, but every time I Googled it, it came up negative! (Sighs) Nonprofits really need to work on their online marketing!

(_PENNY turns to AMY, who is still captivated by the calendar.)_

PENNY: Amy?

AMY: What? Oh, sorry. (Pauses) I still say you have nothing to be ashamed of by this picture. You're showing only some leg, the barest of midriff areas, and the breastplate completely covers your prominent bosom!

BERNADETTE: (Thinks) Gosh, thanks. I was worried about my bosom!

PENNY: (Swallowing wine) I say you have nothing to be ashamed of. Most girls on campus couldn't look this good. And besides, most of them wear less than this when they go to the beach!

BERNADETTE: But what about my Howie? He seems so jealous!

AMY: Was that part of the ploy?

BERNADETTE: What?! No! I would never want to make my Howie jealous! (Swigs wine) At least not obviously!

_(All laugh.)_

PENNY: Yeah, but that can still come back and bite you on the ass. I got caught talking up my past with Stephen the other day, and Leonard got really pissed.

BERNADETTE: Were you trying to make him jealous?

PENNY: Not at first. But then, the longer he let me go on talking to him, the more resentful I got that he didn't step in and assert himself! Y'know, it's like, "Hey, I'm over here with my ex. Come and get me, okay?"

AMY: I see. This reminds me of the proof that Sheldon gave me.

_(All look at her quizzically)_

PENNY: The what?

AMY: The proof he gave me. Sheldon likes to think in theorems and proofs. (Swigs wine) I know that sounds surprising, but believe me, it's true!

PENNY: Um, okay…but what's the proof?

AMY: (Swallowing wine) That we women are insane.

PENNY: WHAT?!

BERNADETTE: WHAT?!

AMY: It's true. Sheldon enumerated it for me. As a woman, I was horribly offended; but as a scientist, I confess I found his reasoning hard to refute.

BERNADETTE: Well, what was the proof?

PENNY: (Swigging the last of her wine and pouring still more.) Yeah, this I gotta hear.

AMY: Well, basically, it goes like this. What is the definition of insanity according to Einstein?

PENNY: Huh?

BERNADETTE: (Swallowing wine) Oh, I know this! It's doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results!

AMY: Correct. Now, when we women like a man, do we come out and tell him, or do we always hint and hope that he'll catch on?

PENNY: Oh, don't get me started. Leonard never gets any of the hints I give him.

BERNADETTE: Neither does Howie. It's the one thing his mother and I have in common in terms of frustration!

AMY: Yes, but that's just it.

PENNY: (Confused) What?

BERNADETTE: I don't get it, either!

AMY: Well, we keep dropping hints in hopes that our men will get them, but they never do! (Pauses) Insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results!

PENNY: (Thinks) Couldn't we just conclude that they're stupid?

AMY: Well, yes, but that requires a separate proof that I'm still working on.

PENNY: (Thinks) You know, I think I know a way we can put all this behind us and make everyone happy!

AMY: What? Oh, do tell! I so love a secret! (Pauses) Even though, of course, hearing it means that it's no longer a secret!

PENNY: Well, here's what I think we need to do…

(_Cut to: commercial)_

10


	3. Chapter 3

_The Slave Leia Debacle Act II J. Franklin  
_

**THE SLAVE LEIA DEBACLE**

**ACT II**

_(SCENE: An outdoor shooting range. LEONARD, RAJ, and HOWARD are all wearing goggles and carrying shotguns.)_

HOWARD: (To LEONARD) Tell me again how this is supposed to make us feel more macho. Shooting weapons at cardboard targets that can't even fight back?

LEONARD: Would you want them to shoot back?

HOWARD: Are you kidding? I don't even want to be shooting myself!

LEONARD: Then don't shoot yourself! (Pauses) C'mon, we gotta at least give this a try.

HOWARD: Have you ever handled a gun before?

LEONARD: Well, once when I was with Penny. I shot myself in the foot. (HOWARD grimaces.) But it'll be okay this time! We're taking lessons! Look, here comes our instructor!

(_A tough-looking female instructor enters dressed in fatigues and carrying a clipboard.) _

INSTRUCTOR: (Barking) Okay, so next up we have the group of Wolowitz, Hofstader, and some guy whose name I can't pronounce.

RAJ: (Raises hand)

INSTRUCTOR: Is that you? (RAJ nods) Okay, good. Let's get started. Now, since none of you have ever handled a firearm before, we're going to review the basic safety instructions we went over inside. Is that clear?

LEONARD: Yes, ma'am!

HOWARD: Yes, ma'am! (To LEONARD) I've always loved it when women are loud and forceful. It reminds me of one time when my mom –

LEONARD: Just stop!

INSTRUCTOR: (To RAJ) Are we clear?!

RAJ: (Nods)

INSTRUCTOR: I can't hear you!

HOWARD: He's ah, mute. He nodded, so he understands.

INSTRUCTOR: Okay, just like we went over back inside. You do not point the weapon anywhere but on the target range. You keep your finger on the trigger guard, not the trigger until you plan to fire. When you fire, you squeeze once and then reload while bracing the weapon like this. (Places shotgun to shoulder and fires. The boys flinch.)

HOWARD: God, she is so sexy.

LEONARD: Tone it down a notch, will you?

INSTRUCTOR: Any questions?

HOWARD: (Raises hand) Yes, I have one. Are your uniforms on sale at the front desk in smaller women's sizes? My wife would really –

LEONARD: (Elbows him)

HOWARD: Ow!

INSTRUCTOR: (Looking down at clipboard) Okay, I see here we have one Howard Wolowitz scheduled first. (_Looks at HOWARD) _I'm guessing that'd be you, Lurch?

HOWARD: (To LEONARD) See, even when she mocks me, I can't help but find it sexy –

LEONARD: Just go, Howard!

_(HOWARD steps forward. The INSTRUCTOR moves behind the guys to a visible operating podium with a microphone and begins throwing switches. She speaks into the microphone.)_

INSTRUCTOR: Okay, as we discussed, you will have a total of sixty seconds to complete the obstacle course. Targets will appear to your left and right and will alternate between civilians and hostiles. Your score will depend on your timing and the number of correct rounds fired vs. any casualties. Sound off by saying clear!

HOWARD: (Pumps shotgun) Clear!

INSTRUCTOR: (Operates buzzer) Begin!

(_HOWARD takes a few tentative steps forward. Off-camera we hear a mechanical propping sound. HOWARD promptly spins and fires. The recoil from the shotgun blast sends him straight into the ground.)_

HOWARD: Ow!

INSTRUCTOR: Halt! (Throws switches) Stopping program. (_Pauses_) Mr. Wolowitz, can you continue?

HOWARD: (Getting to his feet) Yes, I just wasn't prepared for the force of the recoil.

RAJ: Dude! Why not? You said you had a masters in engineering! You dealt with stronger g-forces when you went up into space!

HOWARD: (Turning to face him) That doesn't include firearms!

INSTRUCTOR: Okay, restarting course automation. (Pauses) Ready?

HOWARD: (Cocks shotgun) Ready!

(_HOWARD takes a few more tentative steps forward. Off camera, another mechanical propping noise is heard. HOWARD turns the opposite way this time and fires. The recoil promptly sends his shot skyward and sends him back to the ground.)_

INSTRUCTOR: Halt! (Throws switches) Mr. Wolowitz, we have a two-count misfire disqualification rule.

HOWARD: What does that mean?

INSTRUCTOR: Well, for starters it means when a customer fires into what's normally our VIP viewing stand, we disqualify him.

HOWARD: (Lifts goggles) That's a viewing stand?

LEONARD: That was.

HOWARD: (Turning to him) Shut up! This was your stupid idea!

INSTRUCTOR: Okay, next up I have Raj – Rajesh – Rajesh Koother – Koothru – oh, hey, you there. Go.

RAJ: (Steps forward tentatively clutching shotgun).

INSTRUCTOR: Are you ready?

RAJ: (Nods without turning.)

INSTRUCTOR: Are you ready?

RAJ: (Nods. Trembles)

INSTRUCTOR: I can't hear you! Are you ready!

RAJ: (Starts to turn to nod when gun discharges. He flinches and drops the weapon.)

INSTRUCTOR: Okay, I see the viewing stand area is the target of preference today. You may stand down, Mr. K.

RAJ: (Nods slowly.)

INSTRUCTOR: Please pick up your weapon.

RAJ: Oh. (Bends over to pick up shotgun. Begins walking off range when it discharges again.)

LEONARD: Oh, boy.

INSTRUCTOR: Okay, Mr. K if you could just carefully re-engage the safety and just put the weapon by your feet, I will come and get it in a moment. (RAJ nods.) Mr. Hofstader?

LEONARD: (Takes deep breath and steps forward. Pumps shotgun.)

INSTRUCTOR: Okay, begin!

_(LEONARD takes a few tentative steps forward. We hear another mechanical propping sound. LEONARD promptly turns and fires. The recoil of the discharge sends the gun upward and into his face, knocking off his glasses.) _

LEONARD: Ow! (Shakes head dizzily) My glasses!

INSTRUCTOR: Stop! Pausing program!

LEONARD: (Shouting back to her) No, no, it's okay. I just dropped my glasses. (_Begins to turn around in a circle as he looks for them. As he turns, the shotgun's barrel sweeps toward RAJ and HOWARD. Both shout and dive for cover.)_

INSTRUCTOR: STOP!

LEONARD: (Stiffens suddenly) What?! What'd I do? (_Gun discharges. LEONARD promptly drops it. He looks down.) _Oh, there they are_!_

INSTRUCTOR: Mr. Hofstader, you now have one penalty discharge. Did you still wish to complete the course?

LEONARD: (Looks at RAJ and HOWARD) Uh, no! I ah, think we're done!

(_Dissolve to: A series of dressing room stalls. We see three wooden doors. AMY, BERNADETTE, and PENNY are each in a dressing room. We hear only their voices.)_

AMY: Bestie, I have to admit, this is your greatest idea EVER!

BERNADETTE: What's it called again?

PENNY: Boudoir photography!

BERNADETTE: What is it, exactly?

PENNY: A bunch of women got started doing it during the Gulf War. They'd find a female photographer who would take pictures of them in lingerie so they could make personalized pinup calendars to send to their husbands and boyfriends overseas. The guys couldn't get jealous because it was a woman taking the pictures, and the gals who did it made a fortune!

AMY: There are women out there who have husbands AND boyfriends? (Pauses) I was more left out in high school than I thought!

BERNADETTE: But I don't understand! How is this supposed to help our guys be less jealous?

PENNY: It's easy. They want something private that no one else can see, right? So, we give them an exclusive pinup calendar for them alone, nobody else sees it, and everything's fine!

AMY: I love this idea!

PENNY: Well, it just goes to show you, never underestimate the sisterhood! (Pauses) When we women work together, there's nothing we can't do!

AMY: This is going to be so much fun!

BERNADETTE: I don't know if I'm having fun. What about what you said earlier? You know, about how this objectifies women and all that?

PENNY: Hey, it's only objectification if some other gal is prettier than you! Otherwise, it's just making someone else jealous because you're hot and she's not!

AMY: I like the way you think, Bestie!

BERNADETTE: I don't know about this. My costume doesn't seem to fit right!

PENNY: Well, they only had a couple in each size, so just go with it. (Exits. We see her wearing a SLAVE LEIA costume.) Ready?

AMY: Just about!

BERNADETTE: I think so!

AMY: Ready or not, here I come! (Exits. She is wearing a two-piece cloth bikini. Her skin is entirely green.) How do I look?

PENNY: (Confused) Um, like someone who's had a bad boat trip and feels nauseous?

AMY: What? Oh, the green skin. I'm an Orion slave girl!

PENNY: A what?

AMY: Orion slave girl. You know, from the original pilot for Star Trek? "The Menagerie?" It was the one they did with the original captain of the Enterprise before Captain Kirk! (Pauses) It's Sheldon's favorite!

PENNY: (Still unsure) Um, okay…

AMY: And it's in keeping with the slave girl motif, too! (Beams)

PENNY: All right. (Pauses) Bernadette? You almost ready?

BERNADETTE: I think so! (Exits. She is dressed in a fur bikini that prominently displays her breasts. AMY's and PENNY's jaws drop.) What do you think?

PENNY: Um…

AMY: (Looking her up and down) Who are you supposed to be?

BERNADETTE: I'm Raquel Welch from _One Million Years BC. _ Howie had that poster in his bedroom until I made him take it down!

AMY: (Still in shock) So, you're just going to wear that and make the rest of us look like nothing? Is that your plan?

PENNY: (Confused) Hey, who are you calling nothing?

AMY: (To PENNY) Us! She's trying to show us up because she has more cleavage than we do!

PENNY: (Checks herself) Excuse me?!

BERNADETTE: I don't understand. What's the problem?

AMY: (Angry) The problem is you're trying to out-do us in the sultriness factor!

PENNY: Hey! Again, what's with this "us" here?!

BERNADETTE: I'm not trying to out-do anybody! I'm doing this for my Howie!

AMY: Oh, really? By wearing a costume that's sexier than what the rest of us are wearing?!

PENNY: (Realizing what's happening.) Oh, no…

AMY: Just what kind of trick are you trying to pull, sister?

BERNADETTE: (Angry) I'm not pulling any trick! What's it to you what I'm wearing? It's not like your boyfriend's going to see it and get jealous!

AMY: (Eyes wide) What's THAT supposed to mean?

PENNY: Okay, c'mon you guys! Remember what we said? The sisterhood?

AMY and BERNADETTE: (In unison) Shut up!

AMY: Hey, we all came down here to make something special for our men, not so you could try and show everyone else up with your flawless bosom!

BERNADETTE: Well, it's MY bosom! I should be able to show it off if I want! (Glares at her.) And besides, if this makes you uncomfortable, maybe you should try riding a stationary bike to get rid of those thunder thighs you're always complaining about!

AMY: (Furious) EXCUSE ME?!

PENNY: (Quietly) Oh, damn…

(_Fade out as AMY and BERNADETTE continue arguing. Fade to: The interior of an airplane. LEONARD, HOWARD, and RAJ are seated in jumpsuits wearing helmets and parachutes._)

HOWARD: (After a long pause) So, you're telling me after we injured ourselves in weightlifting, almost blew off any number of limbs with firearms, that you now want us to tempt fate one more time by throwing ourselves out of a perfectly good airplane?

LEONARD: (Uncomfortable) Yeah, I don't think I really thought this one through.

RAJ: I don't like this. I want to go back to earth and be Aqua-Man again!

HOWARD: No, you don't.

RAJ: Yes, I do! Being at sea level beats being up here about to plummet back to earth!

LEONARD: (Trying to be brave) Well, hold on a second. I mean, Howard, you already parachuted, remember? When you came back to earth from outer space?

RAJ: Yeah! That's right!

HOWARD: Yeah, that IS right. (Pauses) Makes me wonder now why I bothered coming up here…

LEONARD: But you did it! I mean, you survived. We'll survive. Everything'll be okay!

HOWARD: (Hyperventilating) Um, I never told anybody this; but I BLACKED OUT during re-entry.

RAJ: You WHAT?!

HOWARD: (Trying to catch his breath) I was trying to stay conscious, but after losing it in orbit and having to take all those anti-anxiety medications, I passed out on re-entry! I only remember waking up in the capsule after we were on the ground!

RAJ: So you don't even remember landing?!

HOWARD: No! And I kind of wish it had stayed like that! (Pauses) Except for the part where the Russian astronauts drew on my face with magic marker while I was out. That I didn't need for the press photos.

LEONARD: I always wondered about that.

RAJ: Me, too.

(_An INSTRUCTOR enters the fuselage)_

INSTRUCTOR: Okay, guys! Sixty-seconds to jump-time. Remember, you've got a full 30 seconds to free-fall before you need to open your 'chute. Got it?

RAJ: (Eyes closed) Okay, that's 30 seconds at 32 feet per second –

HOWARD: Shut up! (To LEONARD) This is the last time I let you talk me into any of your stupid, macho ideas!

LEONARD: (Still trying to be brave) Well, okay. Just hang on. We'll be okay. We had the class on the ground. The instructors even said if there are any problems that they're here to help us!

RAJ: Really? How?

LEONARD: I don't know. They just said something about a "size 10 assist."

HOWARD: What does that mean?

LEONARD: Beats me. But he was pointing to his boots as he said it.

INSTRUCTOR: (Off camera) Okay! Jump positions! (All stand up)

RAJ: Howard?

HOWARD: Yes?

RAJ: If I don't get through this –

HOWARD: Relax.

RAJ: No, I have to say it!

HOWARD: Say what?

RAJ: If I don't make it through this – I want you to have my entire Star Wars action figure collection!

HOWARD: I already have one.

RAJ: All of these are in the original packages and unopened?

HOWARD: (Thinks) All of them?

RAJ: Yes!

HOWARD: (Pausing) Wow. That's got to be worth quite a bit on Ebay. Does that include the original Biggs Darklighter discontinued figure?

LEONARD: Hey! C'mon! We have to focus here!

RAJ: Okay! Yes! Let's focus! Focus! (Squats in position.) I'm focused.

_(Off camera: We hear a door being pulled open. The sound of wind fills the plane.) _

INSTRUCTOR: Okay! Let's go!

(_No one moves.)_

RAJ: I'm still focused!

HOWARD: Me too!

LEONARD: (Shaking with fear) Okay, guys! C'mon! Let's do this and get it over with! We'll be fine! (_Pats HOWARD on shoulder_)

HOWARD: (Turning) What did you say?

LEONARD : (Leans over) I said WE'LL BE FINE! (Pats HOWARD harder on shoulder)

HOWARD: (Losing balance) Wha? (Tumbles into RAJ. RAJ falls stumbles forward.)

RAJ: Hey! Don't push me – (Tumbles out door) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

HOWARD: (Terrified) Omigod Omigod Omigod Omigod –

INSTRUCTOR: (Off camera) Let's GO!

HOWARD: (Turning to LEONARD) I can't do this! I'm an astronaut, not a daredevil!

_(The INSTRUCTOR re-enters.)_

INSTRUCTOR: (Grabbing HOWARD) Let's go!

HOWARD: I'm not going! I'm not going! I'm not –

LEONARD: C'mon! Are you going to let Koothrappali do something you can't?

HOWARD: At this moment, yes, I am!

_(INSTRUCTOR grabs HOWARD)_

HOWARD: I'm not going! I'm not – AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

LEONARD: (Freezes) Okay, maybe this wasn't such a hot idea…

INSTRUCTOR: (Shouting) Okay, last one!

LEONARD: That's okay! I don't think I need to do this!

INSTRUCTOR: It's okay! It'll be fine! Trust me!

LEONARD: No, uh, I think I'll just stay here until we land!

INSTRUCTOR: But your buddies' chutes are already open! They're floating down right now! Look! (Points out door)

LEONARD: Really? (Steps forward. INSTRUCTOR kicks him out the door.)

LEONARD: Wha – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

INSTRUCTOR: (Shaking his head) They always need the size 10 assist. (Jumps)

_(Cut to: Commercial)_

11


	4. Chapter 4

_The Slave Leia Debacle Epilogue Franklin  
_

**THE SLAVE LEIA DEBACLE**

**EPILOGUE**

_(SCENE: PENNY's car. She is driving while LEONARD sits in the passenger seat. He is flipping through the calendar.)_

LEONARD: Y'know, I really gotta hand it to you. You look fantastic in these photos!

PENNY: (Beams) Well, thank you!

LEONARD: And you say that you, Amy, and Bernadette all wore the exact same costumes?

PENNY: (Pausing) Yes. It … seemed like the best way to be fair about, well, you know, who got to wear what.

LEONARD: (Eyes widen) Whoa. You included one with all three of you dressed as Wonder Woman!

PENNY: Um, yes. That one was included as well.

LEONARD: And you're even pillow fighting!

PENNY: (Slightly uneasy) Yes, well, we wanted this to be a calendar for you guys, so we thought we should include at least one that met the typical male fantasy!

LEONARD: (Squinting) Wow. You all look as though you're really getting into the fight, too!

PENNY: (Deep breath) Yes, we wanted it to look real. And it was – looking, I mean. It looked pretty real!

LEONARD: What made you choose Wonder Woman as opposed to say, Electra or Catwoman?

PENNY: (Uneasy) Um, that was Bernadette's idea. Apparently Howard has a thing for the lasso and being tied up and forced to tell the truth or something like that…

LEONARD: But you all had a good time?

PENNY: (Straightens up in seat) Of course! We are three women who know what it means to keep our men happy!

LEONARD: (Smirking) Really?

PENNY: (Serious) Of course! Why do you ask?

LEONARD: Because Howard said Bernadette told him you all did nothing but fight the entire time for real.

PENNY: (Angry) What? That's not true. (Pauses and says under her breath) Not entirely, anyway. (Sighs) Friends can just suck sometimes.

LEONARD: (Looking up from calendar) What's that?

PENNY: Oh, nothing! But, what about you guys? What did you do?

LEONARD: Oh, you know. We tried a few traditional male-bonding rituals just to see what it was like.

PENNY: Did you go hunting?

LEONARD: What? No!

PENNY: Good. Because there's nothing a woman hates more than some macho jerk being all stereotypically pigheaded.

LEONARD: (Unsure) What do you mean?

PENNY: Well, I don't like to talk about it, but once I dated this one guy? He was SO insecure. It was like he was always trying to prove himself to me. No matter how many times I told him, he still went out and did crazy things just to show how brave he was.

LEONARD: (Squirming) Um, really? Like, what sort of stuff?

PENNY: Oh, don't get me started. First, there were the exotic pets –

LEONARD: What kind of pets?

PENNY: Oh, you know. The usual. Tarantulas, snakes, angry dogs –

LEONARD: (Relieved) Oh.

PENNY: But he didn't stop there. From there it just got worse. After a while, he was into kickboxing, then it was motorcycle racing, then it was rock climbing and bungee jumping –

LEONARD: Um, okay, I get the point –

PENNY: Gun collecting, strong man competitions –

LEONARD: I got it.

PENNY: Road luge, extreme mountain biking –

LEONARD: (Clearly uncomfortable) Yeah, sounds pretty, you know, impressive – um, whatever happened to him?

PENNY: He died.

LEONARD: Really? Good – er, I mean, how?

PENNY: Oh, you'll love this. None of those were enough, so he eventually took up SKYDIVING and had an accident. Can you imagine that?

LEONARD: (Smiles) Well, yeah. Actually, I think I can.

PENNY: (Dubious) Really?

LEONARD: Well, yeah, I can sort of see that. I mean, there's the thrill aspect of it that some guys find appealing and all that…

PENNY: (Shaking her head) Well, that's just why I'm so glad I've got you! (_Squeezes him_) You are who you are! You don't have to do crazy stunts to prove yourself, you don't try to go around showing off how masculine you are, you're just Leonard Hofstader! (_Squeezes him again_) You're just my little homunculus scientist! (_Squeezes him a third time_.) And that's good enough for me!

LEONARD: (Thinks) Oh. Yeah, that's right. (Pauses) That's me!

PENNY: (Glares at him out of the corner of her eye) Really?

LEONARD: Well, yeah! I'm me. I'm a physics nerd, I've always been a nerd, and I'm proud of it!

PENNY: Really?

LEONARD: Well, yeah!

PENNY: (Dropping the façade) Cuz Bernadette told me you & Howard and Raj actually did go skydiving today and that every one of you wet his jumpsuit. (Rolls eyes) Men!

LEONARD: Oh. (Pauses) Well, I can explain. You see, it was really because of Howard and Raj after the shooting range –

PENNY: What shooting range?

LEONARD: You know, the one we went to before…the…skydiving…and, um…didn't…Bernadette mention that, too?

PENNY: (Glaring again) No, she did NOT.

LEONARD: Oh. (Pauses) Well, there wasn't one.

PENNY: (Rolling eyes) Leonard…

LEONARD: What?

PENNY: Why do you feel as though you have to prove yourself to me all the time? Isn't the fact that I can finally say I love you good enough?

LEONARD: (Thinks) I guess so. It just seems hard sometimes. When you talk to exes, I feel insecure.

PENNY: (Surprised) Oh, c'mon. That's ridiculous. You're ten times the man Stephen was. (Pauses) And besides, you're the King of Foreplay, remember?

LEONARD: (Smiles) Oh, yeah. I forgot. (_Thinks_) But wait a second, isn't you and the girls doing a pinup calendar the same thing as us guys going out and trying to do something stupid and macho just to impress you? You know, just in reverse?

PENNY: (Eyes widen) NOT AT ALL!

LEONARD: Why not?

PENNY: Just because!

LEONARD: (Rolls eyes) Women…

_(End)_

4


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